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All this noise

I’m not going to lie–it’s been a lot more difficult to write, to open up, to pour my heart out, and just make something out of all the noise in my head. I want to be able to just post again, without feeling so anxious about doing so. A decade ago I could just sit down, and type away, it wasn’t this hard. I never ended up typing and erasing and typing again. And then never posting at all. (My drafts are overwhelming).

I don’t mean to start this on such low spirits–but that’s where I’ve been these past couple of weeks. (Yes I ended 2019 down in the dumps, and kind of just waded deeper as 2020 came in. /_\ ) I really have been trying to pull myself out of it, but it’s never easy. Twitter is a distraction, it soothes for a while, but of course it’s not the solution.

Talking to friends would probably help a lot, except my social anxiety really spiked in the past year. Going out to meet with people gives me panic attacks before I go, while I’m on the way… So I have kept a lot to myself and just tried my best to avoid having to engage, or at least limit it. D: I’m thankful for friends who are very understanding, but I also feel sorry because I’m unable to properly explain why I’ve become like this.

It’s the 8th day of 2020… I’ve spent 8 days of the new decade wondering how I even got here and why I still am. But I am trying, trying to turn this around. I’m not sure what coping mechanism would work now (most of the ones that has, no longer do)… but I’ll keep trying.